So drunk its hurt
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
