my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
