i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
