My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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