We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
