is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
