I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie