can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
