You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
