me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
