dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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