i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
