Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
