I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
