Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
