I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
