Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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