I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
