woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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