I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
