like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
