Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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