I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
