he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
