I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
