today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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