just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The adults are the big ones right?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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