I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
