I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Oh god it's open bar.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
