we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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