just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
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he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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