so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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