I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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