i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
