i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
