I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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