thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Randomize
