We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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