Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
