I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
