mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
