I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
