i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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