I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
