There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
