I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
