My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
