I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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