i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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