You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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