OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As shirtless as possible
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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