If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
