is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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